0 Jeff Salyards | Monthly Archive | May
Archive | May, 2013

In Memory

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Tomorrow is a day for honoring the lives of the men and women who died while in the U.S. military. But for me, since the age of 14, it has always meant something very different.

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My father never served in the armed forces. He tried to enlist and failed the physical for some reason or other. But right before my 8th grade graduation, my dad died of a heart attack on Memorial Day. Years later, I tried to joke that he picked that day so that I had at least a halfway decent chance of remembering it each year, given how lousy I was with dates. But it was a hard joke to pull off, even with plenty of distance.

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At age 14, I was old enough to know that he wasn’t infallible. I finally beat him in a foot race that year. He was bald, and had a lot of gray in his beard (though I would learn soon enough that both of those could strike earlier than expected). His diet stunk–he liked Spam and Velveeta sandwiches on Wonder Bread. So he clearly wasn’t perfect. But he was a perfect father for me. Kind, patient, hilarious, full of strength and integrity.

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I’ve often felt deep sorrow at the parts of my life that he never got to see. He missed four graduations. He never met my lovely bride. He didn’t get a chance to hold my debut novel. And a thousand other landmarks. But now more than ever, my thoughts turn even more outward, and it hurts to think that my daughters never got a chance to meet the man. They would have adored him. Everyone did.

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With every Memorial Day, the pain grew a little less sharp. But now, even all these years later, the sense of absence is still profound, maybe more so in some ways. When I feel myself freaking out at some craziness my kids are pulling and wish I could just call him and ask for some fatherly advice. Even if he couldn’t provide a perfect solution, he’d offer the perfect joke. There are days I know I could be a better dad, days I feel pretty lousy about the job I’m doing, and if I’m not frustrated beyond reason, I usually try to think about how he would have handled a situation. Because he always seemed to know just how to handle almost everything. And of course all the other days when my kids do or say something funny or precious or wicked smart, I wish he could have seen it all. And more importantly, I wish they could have met their grandfather, because everyone who did benefited. And they deserve the best.

My dad didn’t die serving this country. But he was and always will be the only real hero I ever had. And I still miss him.

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